I was in the process of learning Gae Baek pattern in Taekwondo class one night. At one point, I was to turn backward into a back stance with a double middle guarding block. I did the turn and block, corrected everything so it was perfect, and waited for the Mr. Deese's next command. He walked up to me and said "nice." I said "Thank you sir!" He again said 'nice." I said "Thank you sir!"  He then yelled 'NICE! NICE!" I looked quizzical and tentatively said "Thank you sir" Mr. Deese then came up to me, rearranged my hands into knife hands, and said "Knives! Knives!"

A cocky new black belt challenged Mr. Deese to a full-contact sparring match. Later at the hospital, the black belt found out his insurance company would not cover his injuries. They said he had to be an idiot to challenge Mr. Deese and that they considered that a pre-existing condition.

At a tournament in the 1970's, an oriental master gave a demonstration of his martial art. As a part of the demonstration, he had men stand on chairs while holding a stack of boards he was to break using a flying side kick. To make the break more difficult, between him and the board holders was a large ring of fire on a stand and some men lined up bending over touching their toes. The master was to run, leap over the bending men, fly through the burning hoop, and break the boards. The lights were dimmed for effect, the master started his run and leaped, but his leap was misaligned. He cleared the bending men, but brushed against the burning hoop, knocking it from its stand, missed the boards, and knocked the board holders off their chairs. Then the real confusion started. The lights were still dimmed and the burning hoop was rolling along the floor leaving a burning trail. The master's uniform was afire and the fallen men stated getting up. The men saw the master's uniform burning and began patting him trying to put out the fire. The master did not speak English and taught the men were mad at him and were attacking him, so he began defending himself and trying to run from the building. Spectators were trying to put out the hoop fire and people were screaming. It was quite a scene for awhile. After order was restored, it was found that no one was seriously injured. All that was hurt was the master's pride.

While studying Taekwondo, you will hear some Korean terminology used in class. The terminology topic in TKDTutor.com will help you understand some of these terms. While studying Taekwondo in the South, you will hear some Southern terminology used in class. The following translates some common Southern words and expressions.

Afar. In a state of combustion. Usage: "Call the far department. That house is afar."

Ah. The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used to denote individuality. Usage: Ah think Ah’ve got somethin’ in mah ah."

Anomaly. My usual practice. Usage: "Anomaly drink Dr. Pepper, but I guess Pepsi would be OK."

Attair. Contraction used to indicate the specific item desired. Usage: "Pass me attair gravy, please."

Bakards. A direction. "Move your char bakards so ah kin git to th table."

Bagel. Quite large. Usage: "That’s a bagel bowl a grayuts you got there."

Balmer. The biggest city in Merlin, home of the Orioles baseball team. Usage: "Some folks from Balmer thinks they’s Southern, but ah personally thinks they ain’t."

Cent. Plural of cent. Usage: "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn’t give fiddy cent for it."

Cheer. An adverb. Usage: "War’s the pickup truck? It’s rat cheer."

Clinics. A brand-name paper tissue. Usage: "I’d best git me a box a clinics before I sneeze agin."

Clone. A type of perfume. Usage: "What’s that clone you got on, honey?"

Fard. Terminated from a job. Usage: "Bubba don’t work here no more. We fard him."

Floss Water. A device used to swat bugs. Usage: "Hand me that floss water, Bubba. Ahm gonna kill that fly."

Gone. Going to. Usage: "Ah gone do it tomorrow."

Grayuts. A ground corn food product. "Peas pass dose grayuts ov’r jeer"

Heavy Dew. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

Herbal. Terrible, awful. Usage: "He got hisself into a herbal mess."

ldinit. Term used by polite Southerners to avoid saying ain’t. Usage: "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

Jawjuh. A state just north of Florida whose captial is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh borrowed my pickup truck."

Jew Here. A noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Javwjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?"

Juicy. A question. Usage: "Juicy the Guff of Mexico while you was visitin’ Florda?"

Mayter. A red vegetable used in making ketchup. Usage: "Ah’m hongry. How ‘bout fixin’ me an aig, beckon, and mayter sandwich?"

Parts. Buccaneers who sailed under the dreaded skull and crossbones. Usage: "See that third baseman? He jes signed a big contrack with the Pittsburgh Parts."

Retard. Verb meaning to stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

Retch. To grasp for. Usage: "The right fielder retch rat over into the stands and caught the ball."

Shudenoughta. Should not. Usage: "Ah shudenoughta eaten that second piece a apple pah."

Umurkin. Someone who lives in the United States of Umurka. Usage: "Thomas Jefferson was a great Umurkln."

Wear out. A Southern form of behavior modification. Usage: "When I git ahold a that boy, akin gonna wear him out."

Flaw. What you walk on in a southern house.

Southerners tend to drop the "ed" to many words. So they say "ice tea," "cream taters," or "toss salad." They also use a silent "L," as in "he'p" and "go'f." They also add "tuh" to words such as "oncetuh" and "twicetuh." You also hear "hey-up" for help, "stay-up" for step, "slay-up" for slept, and "kay-up" for kept.

How do you know you're at a redneck wedding? Everyone in the church is sitting on the same side.

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth.

What are the last words most often heard from a redneck? Hey y'all watch this!

Billy Bob turned around and saw himself in a mirror. He turns to Joe Bob and says, "That guy over there looks familiar." Joe Bob looks inti the mirror takes the mirror,  "Well duh, that's cuz it's me!"

Billy Joe stayed up all night wondering where  the sun had gone; then it finally dawned on him.

Joe Bob was excited because he finished a puzzle 2 years because it said 3-6 years on the side of the box.

Billy Bob got job painting center lines on county roads. The first day, he painted ten miles of road and the boss was impressed. However, each day Billy Bob painted less and less road, so the boss asked him why. Billy Bob said, "Because the paint bucket is getting further and further away!"

Three prisoners of war were to be executed at dawn by a firing squad. The northerner was taken out first, As the Captain yelled, "Ready, aim...", the northerner yelled "EARTHQUAKE." Everyone scattered and he got away. Next they brought out the westerner. As the Captain yelled, "Ready, aim...", the westerner yelled "EARTHQUAKE." Everyone scattered and he got away. Next they brought out the southerner who had figured out what he had to do to get away. As the Captain yelled, "Ready, aim...", the southerner yelled out, "FIRE!"

A Carolina football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you today. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach asked, "What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began yelling, "Come on coach, give him another chance."

Why are southern  jokes so short? So they can remember them!

A redneck goes into the doctor's office and says that his body hurts everywhere he touches it. "Show me, " says the doctor. Sure enough, every time the redneck pushes his finger on a part of his body, he yells in pain. "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

Billy Joe and his two best friends were stranded on a tiny topical island. They found a genie lamp, rubbed it, and released a huge scary genie that offered each of them a wish. Each of the fiends wished to be back home and were immediately transported back home. The genie turned to Billy Joe who said,  "I'm scared. I wish my friends were here!"

When asked the difference between roast beef and pea soup, Joe Bob replied, "Anyone can roast beef..."

Billy Bob had a fire at his house and called 911. The operator asked, "How do we get to your house?" To which Billy Bob replied, "Duh, in the big red truck!"

Ten Ways to Tell It's a Redneck's Computer

1. The monitor is up on blocks.

2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

3. The six front keys have rotted out.

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

5. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

7. The password is "Bubba".

8. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

9. The keyboard's camouflaged.

10. The varmint (mouse) has buckshot holes.

The bartender at a local bar named a drink Lilac Crazy in honor of a Taekwondo black belt customer. Every time the customer talked about his fighting expertise, that's exactly what he did.

A recent poll of Wilkes County residents showed that 80 percent of them wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Which is a good thing, since for most of them moving would violate the terms of their parole.